A prequel to the original Star Trek TV series involving time travelers from the future trying to change the course of history … Haven’t we seen this already? Wasn’t it called Enterprise, then later Star Trek: Enterprise? Wasn’t it canceled because people didn’t find this a compelling scenario?

That’s the great thing about the Star Trek franchise: the folks in charge never learn from their mistakes, ever. Case in point: the new Star Trek movie, slated for release in 2009, contains the elements listed above.

Sure, J.J. Abrams is in the driver’s seat this time. Props to Mr. Lost, but a bad premise will drag down a good director.

Allow me to address the franchise masters: Folks, Star Trek started as a show about exploration, and that’s still how it works best. Remember strange new worlds, new life and new civilizations, and all that? Each week the crew found some new, bizarre space crap and had to deal with it. That was the show.

Nowadays, Star Trek explores itself, discovering new and uninteresting trivia about its own characters and its invented future history. There was an Enterprise episode where we got to see the real first contact between Earth men and Ferengi. You remember them, right? There was a Ferengi barkeeper on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Finally, we got to learn the historical context that enabled him to have that bar. Yeah!

In the new movie, we’ll get to see Kirk and Spock as children. Who was the bedwetter, and who had the most baseball cards? Can you feel the anticipation?

I say less backstory, more exploration. Sure, some of the things the old crew discovered were just goofy. (Remember the giant space amoeba?) But at least the writers tried to make you think.

Or, if they had no thought-provoking ideas that week, they tried to freak you out… which is almost as good.

All right, now three people–Spacejunk42, Geoffrey, and Shawn–have written to say they’re dressing up as Rorschach for Halloween, and they’re using my instructions for making a Rorschach costume. Which is cool!

But give something back to the Surly Robot. Send me a picture of yourself as Rorschach! Also, if you get laid the night you wear your Rorschach costume, you have to send a picture of the girl in her costume.

True story: I wore my Rorschach to my friend Krantoor’s party, which ended early. So I’m walking home as Rorschach and I pass this house where there’s a party going on and it sounds great. At the time, I was making an effort to crash at least one party every year, so I said what the hell.

Well, let me tell you… chicks dig Rorschach! Not enough to go home with me, but still. The attached photo is of some of the women I talked to that night.

To state the obvious: If a guy’s wearing a Rorschach mask, a girl can pretty much project on him anything she wants to see. That’s good news for you, younsters.

Send me stories, pictures, and tips for making a better Rorschach costume. It’s on!

Dear UFO Kooks,

Quit asking us about UFOs. Really. We don’t know anything, and if we did we wouldn’t tell you.

We’re the most secret organization in the world. You know how you get to be the most secret organization in the world? By not telling people shit. That’s what we do. So quit asking.  

Maybe you’re thinking “Hey, you have to tell us what you know about UFOs! Our taxes pay your salaries!” Gosh, we’ve never heard that one before. We’ll be right over with a big stack of secret papers. Not.

Don’t like it? There’s this thing called a congressman. Write to him or her.

Maybe you’ve got a question like “oh, this isn’t really about UFOs, it’s just related to UFOs, maybe they’ll answer.” Wrong. We’ve put together a nice list of stuff we’re not going to tell you anything about. It’s here: http://www.nsa.gov/foia/foia00005.cfm

The irony is that we’re always telling people we don’t know stuff when we really do. But this time we don’t. Really. But no one will believes us. The irony keeps us awake at night.

Not really.

Anyway, just read the list and quit bugging us. Thanks.

Love and hugs,

The National Security Agency

P.S. Here’s a picture of a UFO in Mexico. We got it from Google. Google says they’re lots of UFOs in Mexico. The Mexican government must know a lot about it. I’ll bet if you ask them, they’ll tell you everything.

In Boston’s Logan Airport, rocking chairs and laptops go together like that city’s famed baked beans and cream pie.

Seconds after I gook this photo a shrill, painfully loud alarmed ripped through the waiting area for Gates B22-26. I had a flash of panic–had my picture-taking set off some kind of Homeland Security alert? Had I unwittingly raised the threat level to ochre? An excrutiating minute later, the alarm fell silent–no explanation offered.

That, and having my leather jacket disappear from the 3rd floor lobby of the Westin Copley, and having half the city of Boston sneeze on me really blew a hole in my enjoyment of National Methamphetamine Awareness Day. Hopefully, you spent the holiday with family or loved ones sharing a full and untroubled awareness.

http://www.pidye.com/thestorezone/piday.php#lessons

My armpit is on the web. Even better, it’s tagged as fine art!

The photo of my pit is part of a series by my friend Jason Horowitz, where he took close-ups of people’s body parts. Buy his work and hang my fuzzy shoulder hole in your living room.

If only the camera could capture aroma, too.

We have a winner in the big Frat House or Meth Lab Photo Challenge! Hundreds of answer poured in, and about half correctly guessed which photo was which. But Lisa Worth of Effingham, Illinois, was the only one to pick up on the clue that clearly distinguishes the frat house from the meth lab:

“Both are a mess,” wrote Lisa. “But you can see sunlight through a window or door in the top photo. Meth junkies aren’t big fans of natural light, so that must be the frat house.”

Well said, Lisa. Meth heads keep their windows covered at all times in case Johnny Law wanders by. For her cleverness, Lisa wins an autographed picture of Jeri Ryan dressed as her character Seven-of-Nine from the the TV show Star Trek: Voyager. Enjoy!

I’ve linked the two photos above to their large originals on the Web, in case you’d like to know more. And remember, we’re down to 10 shopping days until Meth Awaremass. Have you baked your fruitcake yet?

That’s the name of the meth & opiate combo that helped kill River Phoenix on Halloween, 1993, at the Viper Room in Hollywood.

However, his death was not entirely from Persian Brown, as some sources make it sound. Here’s what else the 23-year-old actor had in his system when he died:

• heroin
• cocaine
• cough syrup
• cannibus, and
• vallium

Cough syrup? Maybe all the snorting had given him a scratchy throat. In any case, other celebrities who had meth in their systems when they died include Rick James and Chris Penn. Like Phoenix, Penn and James didn’t just have meth–all died with a stew of illegal and prescription compounds in their blood.

But meth isn’t all Hollywood glitter. If you don’t believe me, take a look at the pictures in yesterday’s entry. And remember to take the Frat House or Meth Lab Photo Challenge!

Only 12 shopping days left until Meth Awareness Day! Don’t wait till the last minute to have your holiday pictures taken.

To get you in the mood of the season, allow me to present the Frat House or Meth Lab Photo Challenge. Look at the photos below–one is the living room of a frat house, the other is the living room of a meth lab. Can you tell which is which?

Leave a comment with your answer–extra points if you can explain how you know which is which (there is a clue, if you know what to look for). If correct, you become eligible for a prize from the Surly Vault.

And don’t forget to get your holiday cards in the mail–the post office will not deliver mail on Methmass Eve.

Man, did I speak too soon with my October 25 entry. Here’s a visual pun that proves it.