2001-04-30

Planet of the ApesThe new Planet of the Apes movie, due for release July 27, is neither a remake of the 1968 original nor another sequel. It’s a “re-imagining” of the story from director Tim Burton–meaning that it doesn’t have to play by the rules of the original films.Will it rock like “Edward Scissorhands,” or will it suck like “Sleepy Hollow”? Only those in the Forbidden Zone (i.e., the tightly guarded production facilities of Fox Films) know for sure, and they’re not talking. They’ve said only that the ending will be just as big a surprise as the original, where astronaut Charlton Heston finds the ruined Statue of Liberty and realizes he’s back on Earth.

Maybe this time, the astronaut (played by Mark Wahlberg) will find the Eiffel Tower. “Oh my God… It was France all along! Damn you. Damn you to hell!”

If you absolutely can’t wait until showtime to know this dark, terrible secret, you might want to check out the Planet of the Apes Movie Adaptation from Dark Horse Comics. It’ll be out nine days before the movie–plenty enough time to blab the new ending to your friends, family, coworkers, and unsuspecting strangers.

My advice is to get the comic and read it in front of people as they’re in line for the film. Blurt out things like “Oh my God! Dr. Zaius is his father!”

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